Everyone knows the famous saints: Valentines, Nicholas, Bernard, but there are many less famous saints that did great work. Work that should be recognised. Here is my tribute to those Saints:
Saint Rufus of West Over-there-somewhere-no-not-there-just-a-bit-further-stop-you’ve-gone-to-farington Patron Saint of Misplaced Carpets
Rufus was born the only child of two cousins with webbed feet. Rufus always loved carpets and hated when they were misplaced. He prayed for Divine intervention that his carpets stop being misplaced. God answered by making all his carpets stick to the floor quite stubbornly. It was a mixed blessing as although his carpets stopped being misplaced, he was unable to move them to a lighter part of the room. His miracles also included the curing of the overly hairy man and the blessing of the tree of slightly eggy odours. He has many churches named in his honour, all of whose carpets have been unable to be moved in centuries.
Saint Caz of Smeltingford - Patron Saint of Souvenir Chocolates
Being a master chocolatier was a source of great pride for Caz, so much so that through his doing for a short period Smeltingford became the chocolate capital of the world (Smeltingford was later stolen by giants and sold for 3 dragon eggs to the Czar of Russia and kept in a small glass jar on top of the mantelpiece. The Czarina used to joke that it looked like a “fetid S**thole” but smelled like a bounty bar). Caz would take great care to have the same amount of each picture on his novelty souvenir chocolates (In each packet there would always be: 3 of the Tower of Smeltingford, 3 of the Lord Mayor’s Wife’s Bum (The nickname for the twin domed towers of the castle) and 3 of the Laughing Goat of Narcissus). To his dismay one day he noticed a couple of German tourists eating their chocolates in the wrong order (they had eaten all the lord mayor’s wife’s bums but none of the tower or goats) He raised his hands in anger and the two Germans disappeared (local atheists claimed Caz had simply murdered them and hid the bodies). His later miracles include drawing pictures of ducks on the chocolate without touching them, and posthumously raising the price of chocolate (though sceptics say this was a result of inflation and not a miracle).
Saint Blarge of the 15th Sector of Alpha Metagon 1.3 - Patron saint of Cheese and Urine
The first saint to be canonised in Space (In the future) Blarge managed to save Space Pope John Paul Hermeticlese Version 2.1 from the space worms of Plarp by shouting at them really loudly to leave him alone. As space worms are notoriously stubborn, this was deemed miraculous. The Pope was so grateful he offered him canonisation. Blarge asked what the pay and hours were like, and also what holiday entitlement there was. The Pope agreed favourable terms, though Blarge always insisted he would have preferred the cash. He also turned sand into cheese and his urine was a useful alternative fuel source, thus deeming him worthy of canonisation. He had many floating shuttle churches in his name, though many of these were destroyed in the robot revolution in 10,051 AD. There were no survivors.
Saint Isaac Melnitz of the Upper West Side, New York. Patron Saint of Quality Tailoring and Jewish Wines
Isaac, who ran a tailoring business with a sideline in importing Jewish wines from Israel, was awoken one morning with a vision of Christ. Jesus told him that he would convert the masses with his intricate stitching and durable hem work. Isaac replied that being Jewish he found this a bit strange. Jesus said don’t worry about it, nobody would notice. His quality suits did indeed convert many people to Christianity which didn’t affect his tailoring business, but did affect sales of his Israeli wine. His wine however was found to cure anxiety (temporarily) and was his second miracle. His third miracle was his soft beard. Isaac, when being canonized said many of his friends and indeed family had soft beards and though he was thankful for thinking of him, he was still Jewish and could not be canonized. The Pope thanked him for his honesty, but due to an administrative error his canonization had already been processed and could not be reversed without the appropriate forms being filled in. Isaac, disliking unnecessary paperwork, chose to accept his Sainthood, thus becoming the first Jewish saint. His suits are still impeccably tailored.